It is with great concern that we report on Butchie's massive existential crisis.
Butchie Suffers Existential Crisis!
It is with great concern that we report on Butchie's massive existential crisis. “While it is not uncommon for a guinea pig to question his or her existence, it is uncommon for a guinea pig not to eat for more than an hour,” explained Kierpigaard, renowned existentialist philosopher and close personal friend to Butchie.
Concern for Butchie arose in late July when he was observed in Nicastro's organic veggie section, unable to move, suffering a form of vegetative dread. “He couldn't choose a way forward. All the fresh lettuces were there, but he only stared and muttered 'I am free to choose! Free to choose! The horror! The horror!'” reported Pilote, unperturbed engineer and frequent Nicastro shopper.
The cause of Butchie's crisis is hotly debated. Local pigistines blame the insensitive reporting around his alleged illegal parsley consumption while an employee of the Organic Parsley Police (see April Glebe Report). Others claim it was a pre-existing condition, reporting that as early as March, Butchie had been heard mournfully humming Piggy Lee's 1969 hit, “Is lettuce all there is?”
Whatever the cause, treatment options for Butchie are limited. “Existential crisis therapy (ECT) is not covered for quadrupeds, only bipeds,” explained Pigmund Freud, who just received his online counselor certification. “Few understand that the guinea pig psyche is fragile...once askew, years of costly psychoanalysis are required.”
Others adamantly advise against therapy, citing deleterious effects. “Such crises have been known to result in a period of heightened insight and creativity!” insisted Kierpigaard, who credits his own crisis for the development of his three-stage theory of snacking.
Indeed, things could be looking up for Butchie, who last week was spotted outside the neighbourhood in the new Art House Café at Somerset and Bay, penning a short treatise entitled “Neither/Nor” under the pseudonym “PopChop”.